Culture Shocked!

So, I'm pretty open-minded to anything and anyone except for religious groups that actively recruit people via bicycles and in-home brain washing.  There are not that many things that really shock me.  I'm not a racist or at least I didn't think I was, but then I saw them: rednecks, hillbillies, honkies, hicks and crackers. 

I have spent the last 3 years of my life living in southern California, Taiwan and Long Island, New York. Yes, each place has its fair share of weird white people, even in Taiwan they have Mormons, but now I find myself living in Kentucky, which has more of a "Merica" feel than an "America" feel.

The most annoying thing about living in Taiwan is pictured above.

Within an hour of landing in Northern Kentucky I found myself at a grille and bar type restaurant that is very popular with the local yocals.  The first family I saw on the patio waiting to be seated looked a lot like this: Father, was a lean guy from legs down and chest up but had a beer belly that made him look 9 months pregnant with triplets.  He wore a black wife-beater with cargo khakis and work boots.  He was probably around 50 years old and was 6 feet tall with unkempt facial hair, not a five o'clock shadow, but as if a badger attached itself to his face.  My guess is that the gaps where he was missing all his teeth was from the constant tobacco chewing he refuses to give up.

Then we have Wifey.  She was 300 lbs of 5 foot nothing with a blue dress on that made me think of all the "yo mama" jokes I could think of.  She was also around 50 with long brown hair and she waddled in such a way that I could see why father found her so irresistible. 

Their son was a good looking young man around my age that if it weren't for the trash stash and matching father-son wife-beater he could possibly be attractive.  I would attribute his manorexia to the copious amounts of meth he does every few days, but hey, life ain't easy.  If it sounds like I'm judging these people, I am.  This was only one family, there were so many others that fit this profile it scared me.

I had forgotten about overalls completely.

Working at the golf course I heard a phrase that I hadn't heard in years, but I added to my vocabulary immediately, "Whiskey Tango."  I think that may be my favorite way to describe the local population.

I am still utterly shocked at how overweight just about everyone here is.  

My little brother and I went to breakfast at a Cracker Barrel, which is like the Wal-Mart of southern cookin' restaurants.  Not only were we the two skinniest people in the restaurant but it would have taken the two of us and then some to equal the girth of a lot of the people sitting around eating biscuits and gravy and deep fried bacon.  

Memorial Day weekend bought with it the taste of Cincinnati.  I feel like the Queen City should probably have a few more recreational and fitness education days, and a little less everyone come down and over-eat on the river weekends.  Maybe the solution would be creating some more space between booths so people have to walk a little further for their brats, goetta, chili and funnel cakes.  I love festivals and eating, but I work out too so I'm not a statistic for fat America.

Overall Cincinnati is a beautiful area but the people here are too church cliquey, vanilla and under-cultured for what I value.

Cheesy Workout Playlist

Occasionally I need a break from my normal straight-out-of-hell and rap music during my workouts.  When I really start to push myself to misery I need a little humor to keep me motivated and forgetful of the pain I'm pushing through.  It helps to remember bad dancing done at family and friends weddings and dancing in friends basements as a little kid to keep me going.

So trade in the Disturbed, Godsmack, Slipknot, Eminem, Prodigy, Linkin Park etc. for these 10 cheesetastic workout songs that will make you laugh and keep you groovin' in your workout:

1. "Push It"  Salt-N-Pepa
2. "I'm Too Sexy"  Right Said Fred
3. "Oh Yeah!"  Yello
4. "Macho Man"  The Village People
5. "Shout"  Isley Brothers
6. "I'm Walking on Sunshine"  Katrina and the Waves
7. "I"m so Excited"  The Pointer Sisters
8. "Ice Ice Baby"  Vanilla Ice
9. "Good Vibrations"  Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch
10. "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go"  Wham!

Shopping!!!!!!

I'm more in tune with my womanly nature than many of you that know me would think.  I become giddy and excited when the prospect of going shopping, especially at one of the largest malls in Asia, is a possibility.  Dream Mall, in Kaohsiung, with 2300 stores and 11 floors make my mouth water at the opportunity of buying anything I've ever wanted.

Dream Mall.  The pic doesn't do it justice.

The excitement always turns into depression for me whenever I step foot in a mall.  I like the idea of shopping more than I like shopping in itself.  I have this awful indecisiveness about my personality.  I'm the last person you want to ask, "What do you want for lunch?"  I hate being asked because I would like a little of everything and I can't decide what I actually want. So all of a sudden, a simple question turns into a high pressure situation in which a decision must be made.  So when I see some sweaters, blouses, skirts, pants, jeans, shoes that I like...I have lots of problems making decisions...I don't have the energy to deal with that kind of pressure through a 2 story standard mid-western American shopping mall, let alone an 11 story Asian one.



I would enjoy shopping much more if I were a billionaire.  My problem is, is that I hate actual work.  There is only one solution to my problem, a rich husband.  So if you're out there, lets get this show on the road, Here are my requirements:
1.  9 figure net-worth, with a steady rate of income.
2.  If younger than 80, respectable amount of living space so I can have my freedom to do my own thing. 
3.  If older than 80, must be on death bed, and must be a hilariously-funny dirty old man. (I determine humor)
4.  Must pay for my gym membership and hot personal trainer...If I'm gonna be a trophy-wife, I must look the part.
5.  Must have houses in New York, Miami, Paris, Bali, Tuscany, Rio, and the Virgin Islands.
6.  Children, I like kids but not when they are my age.  Don't be jealous when I take Daddy's money, it's not like you work either.
7.  We have country-club memberships on all six livable continents.
8.  When I say, I want to go to Paris, it means that I want to go to Paris...there was no We in there...We should go to Paris, means you are invited to come along.
9.  I get my own Yacht.  Home port will be Miami.
10.  Princess is a nickname for your daughter.  We can come up with something better.


 

I'm SO Cold

As part of my daily doabsolutelynothing at work routine, I get to see all the winter stuff that's happening back in the ol' U.S. of A. and I have one thing to say......HA HA suckers!  Okay, I like the white stuff in moderation,  but in my mind cold weather is good for only one thing, sports.  Snowboarding, Hockey, Skiing, what am I missing? No, curling is NOT a sport...it's a chore.

I hate snow because back when I was in high school we lived in a house with a long downhill driveway...from the house to the street it was uphill.  My brothers and I were taught life lessons growing up like, why would you do fun things on the weekend when you can spend it cleaning and doing mindless chores?  My mom insisted we clear off the driveway because she worked and put food on the table or something like that.

*My favorite break from weekend cleaning was on Sunday mornings my mom would drag us out of bed to go to the most boring place on earth, Catholic Mass.  It was a chance to sleep with the occasional slap of the head demanding that I pay attention.  I learned at about the age of six that the best place to sit during mass was on the far end from my mother allowing my three little brothers to be between me and her backhand.  She should have been a tennis player, she has great reach and accuracy.

Okay, back on track.  My mom would have my brothers and I shovel the snow from what seemed like our million-mile long driveway.  We would never do it when we should have, so the snow would eventually become compacted and basically turn into an 8-inch thick, million-mile long slab of ice.  Therefore, we would have to go outside with real spade shovels, hammers and sledgehammers to clear off the driveway in the middle of January when was 0 degrees Fahrenheit.

My brothers and I couldn't do anything together for more then 15 minutes without a fist fight breaking out.  So as soon as our mom would hear us yelling and screaming she would come outside and say something along the lines of "I told you guys, you would be sorry if I had to come out here."  Boy, were we ever.  (I'm pretty sure my mom is secretly a marine corps drill instructor.) She would stand there and yell over us for however long it took us to accomplish this task in true drill instructor form.  This always seemed to ruin my day, somehow, and that of my brothers.  I'm sure maybe hers too, but she enjoyed yelling a bit too much I think.  If there is anything I have ever learned from crappy weather it's to cooperate with my siblings as to not have mom come out and yell at us.

For those of you wondering how snow would become so compacted on our driveway:
My mom would call us from work and tell us to have it shoveled by the time she got home...Duh, Mom, we are off of school, therefore, we shall play video games, go sledding and drink hot chocolate.  No where in that code of kidom does it say, "I will shovel the driveway, on snowdays, no matter how many times you call us and ask us to do it." We like having you come home and scream at us like a lunatic because you "fish-tailed all the way down the driveway."  We don't want to hear any whining about fish-tailing from someone who walked barefoot, 2 miles up hill in the snow to school everyday, anyway.

Happy shoveling to you in the States, and if you have kids, pay them to shovel your driveway. They don't drive so why should it be their responsibility to shovel snow.  I'll be thinking of you on days like this when it is 20 degrees Celsius and I'm freezing.  I'll be thinking in my 3 layers of clothes, how the hell can those people live where it's hovering between 0-15 Fahrenheit for almost a month straight?

I think that I will go to the beach when I get out of work today.

Coconuts, Adventure, Goats, Moonrises, Sunsets and Surfers...Live it up!

The beauty of life is too enormous to just sit at home and let it pass by.  

I was sitting homeless in a Las Vegas casino sportsbook a few years ago eavesdropping on a conversation between two blue collared black guys sick of doing nothing with life other than the everyday worker norm when the one said to the other, "You gotta go out and make things happen.  Nothing happens to you if you just sit and do nothing. You have to go out for things to happen to you."  It was the only thing I needed to remember life is precious, and to stop wasting mine in post-Officer Candidate School-injury self-pity.
  
I am grateful for days like yesterday.  I rode down one of the most beautiful highway drives on the planet on the back of a rented scooter going about 60Kilometers an hour.  I was white knuckling the rear scooter grip trying to enjoy the scenery, but I was also scared for my life, because my friend Julie LOVES to go fast on the open highway.  I was also digging the ride a little too with the wind in my hair and some of the most truly awesome scenery I've ever dreamed of.

East Coast of Kenting Park

Insignificant me.  If I had a better camera you could tell that that's a huge drop below my feet.

Formosa at it's finest

We rode from Kenting about 25 minutes to the East Coast of Taiwan at the beach known locally as "Surfer's Beach." They get an A+ for originality around here.  I shouldn't complain though, my blog title should have been "Couldn't Think of Anything Witty to put Here so I Chose This." 

Eluanbi Lighthouse

After the ride down we stopped and had a beer on the beach then Julie and I jumped the surf as our friend Sebastian took pictures of beer cans and coconuts.  At almost sunset we got the brilliant idea to speed back around the tip of the island near the lighthouse so we could watch the sunset. It was a little cloudy but we did get to see the full moon come up over the eastern part of the island and the sunset as we reached town.  It was one of the most spectacular things I have ever gotten to witness in my life.  On the way back up to town we also got to see goats with kids walking along the road.  In fact, unknown to Julie because she had her Ipod in, I was baaahhh-ing all the way back to town.  

Coconut Milk is good

So yesterday I got to drink milk from a coconut, see the moonrise in the east and the sunset in the west at about the same time, see some awe-inspiring cliff-side beaches, watch the surfer boys do their thing, spend a day with a couple of great people, fall asleep in the sun, play in the aqua blue surf, and chill out on the beach at the end of the day.  Life is good!  

Beer and a smoke on the beach

Yep, you have to go out and do things, you can't just wait for things to happen.  "It's not brave, if you're not scared." Where would I be if not for eavesdropping and awesome friends?  Have an appreciation for life it's the only one you're going to have...Live it to the fullest!

 

Where did these first degree burns come from?

I channeled my inner idiot this morning as I was looking for a coffee stirrer near my desk.  I was looking around frantically for a stir stick, spoon, pencil, pen, tongue depressor or anything that I could dissolve the sugar in my hot coffee with.  In a moment of sheer genius, I stuck my right index finger into the bottom of the cup and started moving it in a circular motion while grinding my teeth and pushing the pain into the back of my mind.  I continued to stir the boiling hot water with my finger until I felt the sugar dissolve then I pulled my finger from the cup while screaming at the same time.

"What did you do?" inquired Ida, my Chinese coworker.
"I wasn't thinking, and I just wanted my coffee to get stirred".....she then proceeded to hand me a spoon from the sink near the coffee maker, I turned as red as my finger, gave everyone else a sheepish look, then put my head down and went back to my work station with my head down laughing quietly at my own stupidity.

Yep, I'm a teacher.

French Fries in Teriyaki Sauce

YES, PLEASE!!!!

McDonalds, I've eaten more of it in the last four months than I think in all of the rest of my life.  For starters it's unhealthy crap and we all know that.  I've read Fast Food Nation and have seen Super Size Me.  Do I care?  I thought I did, but the golden arches have become a comfort food and a reminder of home, so nope, I guess I don't.  It's not that I don't have principles, but I change my mind about them whenever I want or when it's convenient (avoiding arguments) ...I call it flexibility.

They do not have barbecue sauce at Mickey D's here so I usually order sweet n' sour with my meal because ketchup is boring.  Aaron, my roommate, came home with my double cheeseburger meal without the Asian Nectar so I went to the cabinet and thought, Teriyaki sauce, why not? The Earth Stood still as the flavor hit my mouth; soy, honey, garlic, molasses, and deep fried potato sticks.  It was heaven, I flew through them and then because McDonalds adds a salt storm to each magic red box I stuck my fingers in the remaining sauce and licked my fingers clean like the eternal 8 year-old that I am, and it was fantastic. DON'T JUDGE ME!, you know you lick your fingers when you've finished McDonalds fries because if you don't you need Orange GoJo to get all the grease and salt off, and that stuff hurts it has lava in it.

It was so good I'm thinking about steaming a potato and dousing it with Teriyaki.  I bet I could sell it at the night markets.

Here's the benefit of teriyaki, it's not overly processed garbage.  So if you want to add a little nutrition to those fast food fries (not that you can, you're taking a year of your life as you eat them) throw a little teriyaki on top...and for some added vitamin C use the stuff with orange zest. 


just for fun I found these at Carrefour, I call them Copsicles

Copsicles